Monday, April 23, 2012

The long road...

My whole spiritual existence in my 29 years could be summed up in a few words... "I don't know.'" And I didn't. My earliest experiences with religion involved a neighbor taking me to church when I was 5 or 6. I couldn't tell you the denomination, but I can tell you my mother was concerned when her god fearing 5 year old came home preaching that she was going to hell because she didn't go to church.

All of a sudden we were all going to a Unitarian Church, and I was receiving a Sunday School education in many different religions, including Christianity. I don't remember it very well, but I recall that the church trips to Mexico & Northern AZ were fun. I also think that I had trouble connecting with the kids in my class, but I don't remember why.

From there, I went where my mom did, right on over to paganism. Of course, I lagged behind her a few years, and I think most of my dabbling was driven out of wanting to feel closer to her after she left. Turns out, while she was away, she ditched religion all together, and now classifies herself as an Atheist.

After awhile, I just became ambivalent-- agnostic, or whatever you want to call it. I just didn't care, didn't really think about my spirituality except for a moment here or there, and I never let the small nudges really slow me down. I never picked up the bible. Never found a church.

These nudges have become more frequent over the last year, when finally we got a nudge in the form of a shove all the way from AZ to SC. You think that would finally convince me, but it didn't. It took living for a whole month with a plague filled house, fighting with my husband, and struggling, for me to finally hear the voice. What did I hear?

It was something along the lines of, "sure, you can probably get by ok with out me, but if you really want to thrive in this life, you are going to have to let me help."

Errrr. Wtf? Who just said that? Great, my sinus infection is making me lose my mind.

Except I immediately recognized that it was something more. Something I always claimed I needed if He expected me to become a believer. Proof. A sign. Talk to me! Tell me! I almost begged empty rooms to be filled with the faith that so many people just take for granted. I always wanted to believe, but I couldn't do it blindly, and I couldn't do it just because it seemed to bring other people comfort. Maybe I wasn't listening carefully enough, or maybe He didn't reach out until I would be receptive. Perhaps this earache is really Him, beating on my eardrums to PAY ATTENTION! I finally heard, and I already feel lighter at heart.

Next steps? Find a bible. Find a church. Write about it. Try not to care that my mom is probably rolling her eyes so bad it hurts. Do we ever stop caring what our parents think? Do we ever stop trying to please them? I guess I finally just realized that I should probably focus on pleasing someone else.Can someone just pick up the bible and start reading it without spending years sitting in a church? Will I "get it?" I feel like I'm at the edge of a cliff, about to jump into the vast unknown without my floaties on. What the heck, here goes!


  1. I love this post Kerith. You won't drown - enjoy the swim!

  2. Kerith. Right there with you. Got a lot of those same questions myself. Desperately want it all to be real. Maybe we just think it through too much, and need to accept with a child's innocence. I'm excited to hear more about your journey. My experiences over the last 8 years has made me think that your faith could possibly be stronger BECAUSE you don't race to a church for lessons on what your relationship should be. I think if you are being led, and you feel him, keep with that. Don't let anyone take it away or make you feel small because you don't succumb to organized religion immediately. I would sooner align myself/my heart with that which speaks to me, my creator, than face the trauma of deciding on a Church/Denomination to align with. There are many things that make me sad about the huge churches of today. A lot of greed where there shouldn't be, and less giving where there ought to be. Too much judgement, not enough Love and tolerance. Keep it pure girl. I think that's all he really expects. Keep asking him those tough questions, and listening for answers. I'm working on those questions myself, feel free to keep me in your loop. - Caroline

  3. It's not about going to "church". It's all about your relationship with your Father in heaven. Talk to him like he is sitting right next to you, because he is, and always will be. I thank him throughout every day, for that green light, that great parking spot, the time given me with an animal that has passed, for my wonderful family and their good health, for the wonderful man he finally put in my life, even as I was prepared to live the rest of my life without a man, if that was his plan, ready to go to be with my father in heaven, at any moment, if that is his plan. Amen